Losing sight of myself

Sometimes I find myself drifting in and out of my own life.  I am still sober but it feels different like I am not sober. The distance I feel from myself recently is similar to how I felt when I was using, how I wanted to feel.  This numbness is disturbing and I can’t really understand where it comes from. I haven’t  been taking care of myself, my soul to be exact.

Writing and reading even have not been a part of my daily life.  I miss them like I miss the better part of me.

Life has been monotonous and busy but not exactly in the ways I want.  I find my current job depressing and have to hope that it will not be my job for too much longer.  I applied for another job in the library but in time we will see if I get it.

Just needed to write something.  I already feel a bit better.

Change can be hard to believe

Over the last months well really the whole year of sobriety people have had difficulty believing that I have truly changed. I acted like a jerk in a lot of ways while using and now I feel like a new person. Sometimes I feel like people are waiting for me to screw up… Maybe sometimes I am too.

I guess my point is given the chance people change. On mlk day it is something I think about, stereotypes and how they affect us. While I can’t identify with the struggles of minorities but I can speak on stereotypes. When you are expected to be a certain way it can just be easier to be that person. Everyone always expecting a party when they saw me. People would call me only to go out or grab a bottle and hang out. Trying to break out of any stereotype is difficult. Maybe if people can open their minds to new ideas about individuals or groups we can build a better future.

Personally I think anytime we can discuss differences in civil manner we are one step closer to getting it right.

I deserve

I used to say to myself that I deserved this drink.  I worked hard…. x happened…. y said z to p I deserve a drink just for having to be me.

Earlier in my sobriety like say 2 months sober.  I wrote in my notebook.  I deserve to be sober.  I deserve to be healthy.  I deserve to be happy.

I have held onto that throughout my continued sobriety.  I DESERVE this.  I am worthy despite whatever I have done. I am a strong woman who is deserving of fearless love, compassion, loyalty and the actualization of my dreams.

For most people the idea of being worthy of good things is obvious and hard-wired into them (some maybe too much).  At one point that was true for me as well.  I could be arrogant with the best of them. However, somewhere along the way I lost that belief life had beaten it out of me.  I had stopped believing in myself.

The only thing to do is beat that belief back into your head, but lovingly of course.  I chanted it. I prayed on.  I deserve happiness.  I deserve my life back.  I deserve it.

Now by the grace of God I am living my life again and doing my best to appreciate every second.  I try to balance my past with my present and doing so helps me cherish how precious life is.  Remembering my very drunken days, helps me to be thankful that I am capable of going to work, drive, have a few dollars in my pocket.

Anyway I am beginning to ramble. You are a valuable child of God.  Cherish life because you deserve it.

I hear in my mind all these voices… I hear in my mind all this music

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One year of sobriety!!!

…  pats self on back….  looks around and shrugs….

Turns out it’s just another day…. leading up to another day

But looking back I honestly never thought I would be here.  One year ago and some change I could barely see to my own hand filling up my glass.  Now  the world seems infinite again.  Alcohol is not in control of me and my the help of God it won’t be again.

Frankly a world of newly infinite possibilities can seem overwhelming.  Thankfully, my addiction and poor decisions give me an excellent frame of reference…. and I won’t go back.  Without alcohol my life is much better than it was with it.  Even if everything I do blows up in my face or goes horribly wrong, I can think and respond and work towards the solution instead of wallowing in the mistakes or pointing blame everywhere.  How freeing.  I am human.  I am alive.  I am capable.

For me being sober is half the battle….  Hear’s to another year of clarity, health, happiness, chasing my dreams, being there for the people I love: Here’s to good food, dancing in my kitchen, the grocery store, work, car etc, thrift store shopping, drawing, reading, learning, building, breathing, growing, dreaming and loving. Here’s to beauty and art, laughter and tears.And damn sure here’s to remembering every blessed moment of it.

All that glitters is not gold but shiny things sure make me happy…

One year Sober Anniversary…. Celebration Suggestions

I am starting to get excited and feel a definite pride rising in my chest.  My one year anni is coming up on the 14th of January.

I am not sure what I will do so basically I am looking for celebration suggestions.  Normally I would celebrate with a night out and a lot of drinking but that’s not an option or even something I am interested in now.  How did you celebrate or how would you??

Ironically it’s also my boyfriends’ birthday and he does partake in the drink occasionally so it will be interesting to see what we do.  Because of that I think I probably won’t celebrate until the 15th (in all fairness the alcohol wasn’t out of my system until then anyways).

The missing ten years

I recently finished a book called “What Alice Forgot” in it the main character forgets ten years of her life.  When she awakes, she is getting a divorce and has three children none of which she remembers having. With a new perspective on her own life she endeavors to understand how her life became what it is now.

As the year comes to a close I reflect upon my own life, so much has happened in the last year sobriety, incarceration and generally a new outlook on my own life. At times I feel as if I lost ten years of my life.  I remember things that happened and am surprised that it happened to me or that I did those things.  Like Alice though, I have learned so much and without those ten years I would be a different person.  Using those experiences and mistakes and looking at them from this new optimistic sober perspective has yielded an incredible peace and zen-like attitude towards the world.

Now I am thankful for  every day, every breathe, every thought, every step.  I have been given a second chance and don’t intend to waste it.

May God be with you throughout this new year.

The edge of a revolution

News is everywhere. People are speaking their minds their truths, telling their story and explaining their frustrations and fears. When something happens something bad happens,  all you can hope is that something good can come out of this.  That we as people can see something that needs to be changed.  That we will do something.

I think we are standing on the edge of a revolution of sorts.  Each one of us has decisions to make in our lives everyday but how can each of these decisions affect the larger world around us.  Can we truly change the system?  Can we shift ideals and stereotypes?  Can we build a better future?  I think we can.

How we choose to present these ideas of change or injustice will affect how they will be perceived.  I see many people articulating their views in a rational way and it gives me hope.

Winter wonderland

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Well winter came early for Minnesota this year!!  It is officially winter….. like half  a foot of winter.  Normally for me, winter would be an excuse to be drunk and depressed but this year I am going to enjoy it!

I have been very lucky this week.  I got to see my family three times this week.  Happy Holidays to me and bonus I got to enjoy the time spent with them rather then constantly thinking about when I would be able to get a drink.

Thanks to my lax stance lately on maintaining my personal oasis aka reading and writing and finding my center in my own mind, I have been on the edge of a break down for a few weeks.  Certain new information had come to my attention and although it was disconcerting I did not deal with it in the correct way.  I didn’t drink, didn’t really even think about it (that’s the blessing of realizing how terribly close to demise you were and still are….. it’s disgusting to even imagine going back).  However, just not drinking does not mean that I am necessarily taking care of myself.  I isolated and took to watching Chuck on Netflix and playing 2048 on my phone.  Essentially I disconnected from myself….

Today I feel like I got myself back.  I talked to a lovely lady (my mom) today about a lot of what I was feeling.  When I was in the workhouse  I pared my friends down to almost no one and so I am left with my family, my boyfriend and his people. I have begun to realize how difficult it can be to start over.  I miss sharing things with a friend.  I know I need to branch out more and realize that even if people don’t understand exactly what I am going through it is good for me to share that burden a bit, even just say it out loud.  That what I got today.  My mom listened even though I am sure there was large chunks of it she didn’t really understand.  The point was I needed someone to talk and she listened.

This was not really the point of this journal but I need to start going to AA again and maybe find another one to go to as well.  I still have not really attempted to find a church.  Where do you go to make friends…….   I always wound up making “friends” at the bar though those are not the type of friends I want. humph……

Back to topic….  winter equals working hard to keep myself, my brain active because if I don’t it goes to crazy places.  For example I have been having more intense spy dreams than usual (likely because I have been watching Chuck nonstop aka spy show ).  Yes I am a spy in almost all of my dreams.   Sometimes it’s more of a Tomb raider or Indiana Jones theme, but moral of the story I try to solve stuff, fix stuff and generally save the day. Wonder if that says anything about who I am as a person…….. ha dreams don’t mean anything right??

All that glitters is not gold……  sometimes it’s just snow. 😉

Dancing to my beat…..

I have always had my own sense of style or lack there of.  I went to a memorial service for my boyfriend’s father this weekend.  It was a beautiful gathering and my first time meeting his family in Tennessee. Lots of warm feelings, food and family, a celebration of a man’s life and truly inspiring.

One that it included that as a good lutheran girl I didn’t really expect was dancing.  Africans have the lovely tradition of infusing dancing in everything.  Which is great except I am not the most graceful duckling in the bunch.  Plus we danced in front of people because we were the family of the deceased. For a notoriously erratic, seizure type dancer this would normally terrifying.  However, I felt so truly happy and just in my own skin that I let it go and just danced.  Of course I got laughs and smiles and some old lady that told me “I tried”.  I didn’t really take offense to it though.  How could I everyone was so nice and my dancing made a few (okay almost everyone) laugh and smile in a sad circumstance.  Does it really matter if they were laughing at me?

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Being happy with who I am is something that is growing stronger and stronger in me.  Also I fully plan on dancing in public more and more often.:) I mean look at that guy above.  PROPS buddy!!!

Happy Unicorn hunting…..   I may have found mine in myself.

PS Minnesota…. snow already……  fine I love winter……  is it over yet?

PPS Alcoholic victories abounded during my trip…. first big event sober….  CRUSHING IT…..  Well maybe not crushing it but stayed sober and talked about it when that alcoholic in my head tried to trick me.