Sober drunk sober

Transitions

Finding friends trusting friends friends that will grow and change with you. Friends that respect you and your choices. friends who hear you and clarify when they are unsure. Friends who give you space to be a different person. Friends who are truly rooting for you and tell the truth even when it hurts.

Those are the people I want in my life

Friends who are caddy lie for no reason make themselves or their lives seem mysterious or special. People who can’t understand or hear your feelings because they are searching for their own validation in your words. Those who can’t hear your words through them thinking about what they are going to say or because they are judging someone or something mentioned. People who are scared of change or being vulnerable or put their insecurities onto another person

I am terrible at navigating relationships my track record speaks for itself. I’m not good at what you should do or say or be…

But I will not become burdened by not saying something or wondering what if

I’ve watched too many people fall into if only and poor mes and blame wars

I see the potential in people and I can get caught up in that the person they could will and would be

Life is a highway

I’m again on a journey. Sure I haven’t been sober the whole time sure I’ve made lots of mistakes.

Today is about contemplation about how racism us them and any discrimination non love based view.

Do I believe the president should not have been elected? Do I believe he spurs us them speech act and thought? Do I worry about people who follow that train of thought?

Do I believe the people should and need to stand up against oppression violence and murder ? Do I think there’s something fundamentally wrong with the way that we treat people that are different than us? Do I worry that some people think violence destruction and arson are the way?

Do I worry about my generation the ones before and after me and then generations to follow? Am I scared for Human kind? Do I have any idea where to go from here?

thing I don’t understand why can’t we come together why can’t we fight to so see the similarities. Why is it so much easier to hate than to love?

why do I have to explain to someone else that I’m not racist why do I have to explain to my clients what racism is why why why why

Hate is so much easier and I am so scared everything in our world I wish as humans we could just figure it out not even humans Americans for one flipping second

Lucky ones

I just completed my first technical inpatient treatment and am in a medium intensity treatment or halfway house with programming. It took a lot for me to get to this point but I’m glad I did.

Over and over I am struck with how lucky how blessed I am. I get to look at life anew. I get to take a look at my life in a new huge way. People are begging me to become a new me and teaching me how to change my thinking and behaviors. And I’m surrounded by others on similar journeys.

I’m not saying I wish addiction on anyone because there is a lot of darkness and struggle before the light. Although we are the lucky ones because joy, laughter and positivity feels brand new. Stifling and numbing your emotions for such a long time every emotion feels hugely amazing and terrifying. The negative emotions hit us like freight trains too. And in those moments (which seem like years) we experience all the sadness, anger, grief and trauma we’ve been avoiding with drugs and alcohol. Dealing with all this heavy shit is hard and icky and uncomfortable but so many people never deal with their feelings. Instead of using substances maybe they worked too much, focused on other people, funneled their energy into god knows how many other things and faked happiness without really feeling it.

Us addicts have an entire industry devoted to our addictions or our in your face problems. At some point it can’t be ignored or we will die. Good news is that the root causes start to come to light. They have to they have been waiting to explode out of our bodies! And maybe this doesn’t happen the first time or the second time or the a thousandth time we try sobriety but slowly these ideas eek into our hard heads or at least mine… and we grow and change. Each time we go through this journey we get a few more ah ha moments.

Simple things like maybe I could be sober. Therapy can be good. Lies are complicated. I have to love myself first. Some things are worth my time and energy. Pick your battles. Keep it simple. Take your meds. Sleep at night. Take showers. Connect with others. Get a job even if it’s not the one you want. Take time for you. Everyone won’t like you and you won’t like everyone… so what.

These things seem obvious and easy but sometimes they are the hardest lessons to learn.

Scared beauty

I am growing

I am changing 

I love who I am

I am scared for the future 

I am hopeful about the future 

I love

I don’t operate in hate

Fight and believe

I fight for the right to have an opinion.

I fight for the right to be upset.

I fight for other people to do the same.

I believe in people in general and that they can.

I believe in people with mental illness and that they are equal and can be equal.

I believe in people with sexualities that are different from mine or the same as mine.

I will always fight for everyone….

Dealing

I am coping… in the middle of my boyfriend not wanting to believe me, starting drinking occasionally again and the choas of work and school. I am coping and finally dealing with my mugging and attempted rape. 

I talked to someone today who blamed herself. And that was wrong. I looked online for similar coping strategies and found someone who said that stranger attack and rape was ok because it was invited. Don’t get me wrong the victim wasn’t wrong but the society that told the victim it was wrong was wrong. It leaves permanent scars.

I want to say something Stronger more defiant of using people as sexual property but I can’t express it in words.

Don’t treat people that way.

Losing sight of myself

Sometimes I find myself drifting in and out of my own life.  I am still sober but it feels different like I am not sober. The distance I feel from myself recently is similar to how I felt when I was using, how I wanted to feel.  This numbness is disturbing and I can’t really understand where it comes from. I haven’t  been taking care of myself, my soul to be exact.

Writing and reading even have not been a part of my daily life.  I miss them like I miss the better part of me.

Life has been monotonous and busy but not exactly in the ways I want.  I find my current job depressing and have to hope that it will not be my job for too much longer.  I applied for another job in the library but in time we will see if I get it.

Just needed to write something.  I already feel a bit better.

Change can be hard to believe

Over the last months well really the whole year of sobriety people have had difficulty believing that I have truly changed. I acted like a jerk in a lot of ways while using and now I feel like a new person. Sometimes I feel like people are waiting for me to screw up… Maybe sometimes I am too.

I guess my point is given the chance people change. On mlk day it is something I think about, stereotypes and how they affect us. While I can’t identify with the struggles of minorities but I can speak on stereotypes. When you are expected to be a certain way it can just be easier to be that person. Everyone always expecting a party when they saw me. People would call me only to go out or grab a bottle and hang out. Trying to break out of any stereotype is difficult. Maybe if people can open their minds to new ideas about individuals or groups we can build a better future.

Personally I think anytime we can discuss differences in civil manner we are one step closer to getting it right.